Naming the Hurt

Naming the Hurt

Summary

• Identify the feelings within the facts. 

• Remember, no feeling is wrong, bad, or invalid. 

• Recognize the stages of grief, and honor wherever you fall in the process. 

• Find someone who will acknowledge you and listen to your feelings without trying to fix them. 

• Accept your own vulnerability. 

• Move forward when you are ready.

Stone Ritual  Clenching the Stone    

1. Take your stone in your dominant hand.   

2. Name out loud a hurt you are feeling. As you name it, clench the stone in your hand.   

3. Open your hand. As you release your fist, release the hurt.   

4. Clench and release the stone again as you name each of your hurts.  

Journal Exercise  The Grief Journal    

1. Write down all the things you have lost. What did you lose? Did you lose your trust? Did you lose your safety? Did you lose your dignity? Did you lose some- one whom you loved? Did you lose something that you cherished?   

2. Now name the feelings that accompany these losses. I am angry. I am sad. I am heartbroken. I am afraid. Feel free to use your own words. What does your heart tell you? What is the weight of this loss? Name it so you can heal it.

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As we continue in our book study, we encourage you to purchase Desmond and Mpho Tutu's The Book of Forgiving which is available as a hard copy, audiobook, and ebook. All of the above comes directly from the end of each chapter. If your finances are preventing you from purchasing the book, please reach out to Pastor Sarah.

Tutu, Mpho, and Tutu, Desmond. The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World. United States, HarperCollins, 2014.

Telling the Story: Mid-week Meditation & Practice

Telling the Story

Summary: Telling the Story  

• Speak the truth. 

• Start with the facts.

• Tell your story first to a friend, loved one, or trusted person.

• Consider telling the story to the person who harmed you, or writing a letter.

• Accept that whatever has happened cannot be changed or undone.  

Meditation

To whom shall I tell my story? 

Who will hear my truth 

Who can open the space that my words want to fill 

Who will hold open the space for the words that tumble out

in fast cutting shards 

And the words that stumble hesitantly into the world

unsure of their welcome 

Can you hold that space open for me? 

Can you keep your questions and suggestions and judgments at bay 

Can you wait with me for the truths that stay hidden behind my sadness, my fear, my forgetting, and my pain 

Can you just hold open a space for me to tell my story 

Stone Ritual:  Whispering to the Stone    

1. It is time to actually give voice to what happened. There is power in words that are spoken.   

2. Pick up your stone and tell the story of what happened in as much detail as you can. Remember to speak the truth, as much of it as you can remember. Speaking to the stone can be an emotionally safe way to prepare for speaking your story to another person.  

Journal Exercise    

1. Open your journal and write your story. Fill as many pages as you need.   

2. Writing is a very powerful way to tell your story. As you write, you may remember details you did not recall when you were speaking.   

3. If you feel safer or more comfortable, you can always read what you have written to a person you love and trust.   

4. Later you may choose to read or send what you have written to the perpetrator, but we encourage you to first continue along the Fourfold Path. The story is only the beginning.

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As we continue in our book study, we encourage you to purchase Desmond and Mpho Tutu's The Book of Forgiving which is available as a hard copy, audiobook, and ebook. All of the above comes directly from the end of each chapter. If your finances are preventing you from purchasing the book, please reach out to Pastor Sarah.

Tutu, Mpho, and Tutu, Desmond. The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World. United States, HarperCollins, 2014.

Book of Forgiving: Week 2 Summary

The Fourfold Path Summary

-       Nothing is unforgivable. 

-       There is no one who is beyond redemption, and to deem someone a monster is to take away that person’s accountability for his or her actions.

-       We always have a choice whether to walk the Revenge Cycle or the Forgiveness Cycle. 

-       In the Revenge Cycle, we reject our pain and suffering and believe that by hurting the person who hurt us our pain will go away.

-       In the Forgiveness Cycle, we face our pain and suffering and move toward acceptance and healing by walking the Fourfold Path. 

-       These are the steps of the Fourfold Path: Telling the Story, Naming the Hurt, Granting Forgiveness, and Renewing or Releasing the Relationship. 

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As we continue in our book study, we encourage you to purchase Desmond and Mpho Tutu's The Book of Forgiving which is available as a hard copy, audiobook, and ebook. All of the following comes directly from the end of each chapter.

Tutu, Mpho, and Tutu, Desmond. The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World. United States, HarperCollins, 2014.

Book of Forgiving: Mid-week Meditation & Practice WEEK 1

As we continue in our book study, we encourage you to purchase Desmond and Mpho Tutu's The Book of Forgiving which is available as a hard copy, audiobook, and ebook. All of the following comes directly from the end of each chapter.

*Tutu, Mpho, and Tutu, Desmond. The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World. United States, HarperCollins, 2014.

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SUNDAY SUMMARY

Why Forgive

• Forgiveness is beneficial to our health. (physical, emotional, and spiritual health)

• Forgiveness offers freedom from the past, from a perpetrator, from future victimization.

• Forgiveness heals families and communities.

• We forgive so we don’t suffer, physically or mentally, the corrosive effects of holding on to anger and resentment.

• We are all interconnected and have a shared humanity.

• Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves.

What Forgiveness is Not

• Forgiveness is not easy—it requires hard work and a consistent willingness.

• Forgiveness is not weakness—it requires courage and strength.

• Forgiveness does not subvert justice—it creates space for justice to be enacted with a purity of purpose that does not include revenge.

• Forgiveness is not forgetting—it requires a fearless remembering of hurt.

• Forgiveness is not quick—it can take several journeys through the cycles of remembering and grief before one can truly forgive and be free.

SACRED PAUSE

I will forgive you
The words are so small
But there is a universe hidden in them
When I forgive you
All those cords of resentment pain and sadness that had wrapped
themselves around my heart will be gone
When I forgive you
You will no longer define me
You measured me and assessed me and decided that you could
hurt me
I didn’t count
But I will forgive you
Because I do count
I do matter
I am bigger than the image you have of me
I am stronger I am more beautiful
And I am infinitely more precious than you thought me
I will forgive you
My forgiveness is not a gift that I am giving to you
When I forgive you
My forgiveness will be a gift that gives itself to me

MEDITATION

Opening to the Light
1. Close your eyes and follow your breath.
2. When you feel centered, imagine yourself in a safe place; this may be indoors or outdoors, whichever feels safest to you.
3. In the center of your safe space is a box with many drawers.
4. The drawers are labeled. The inscriptions show hurts you have yet to forgive.
5. Choose a drawer and open it. Rolled or folded or crumpled up inside it are all the thoughts and feelings the incident evokes.
6. You can choose to empty out this drawer.
7. Bring your hurt into the light and examine it.
8. Unfold the resentment you have felt and set it aside.
9. Smooth out the ache and let it drift up into the sunlight and disappear.
10. If any feeling seems too big or too unbearable, set it aside to look at later.
11. When the drawer is empty, sit for a moment with it on your lap.
12. Then remove the label from this drawer.
13. As the label comes off, you will see the drawer turn to sand. The wind will sweep it away. You don’t need it anymore.
14. There will be no space left for that hurt in the box. That space is not needed anymore.
15. If there are more drawers still to be emptied, you can repeat this meditation now or later.

STONE RITUAL

Carrying the Stone
1. You will need your palm-size stone.
2. For the space of one morning (approximately six hours) hold the stone in your non-dominant hand. Do not set the stone down for any reason during this period. Or, keep the stone on your lap or wheelchair arm for the six hours.
3. At the end of six hours, proceed to the journal exercise.

JOURNAL PROMPTS

Stone Journal Exercise
1. What did you notice about carrying the stone?
2. When did you notice it the most?
3. Did it hinder any of your activities?
4. Was it ever useful?
5. In what ways was carrying the stone like carrying an unforgiven hurt?
6. Make a list of the people you need to forgive in your life.
7. Make another list of all those you would like to have forgive you.

Letting Go Journal Exercise
Forgiving is a process of letting go.
1. Think of the things you must give up or let go of in order to forgive.
2. The list might include things like the right to revenge or the expectation of an apology. It might even include having to give up an expectation that the person who hurt you will understand the pain they have caused.
3. As you jot down this list, pause with each item and offer thanks for the ability to let go of what you do not need in order to forgive.