Summary: Needing Forgiveness
Gather support as needed.
Admit the wrong.
Witness the anguish and apologize.
Ask for forgiveness.
Make amends or whatever restitution or reparation is called for or needed.
Honor your victim’s choice to renew or release the relationship.
It is hard to admit our wrongs, to make a full confession. It is also hard to witness the harm we have caused and to apologize. Here is some wisdom for “Witnessing the Anguish”
Do not argue
Do not cross-examine
Listen and acknowledge the harm you have caused
Do not justify your actions or your motivations.
Answer all questions honestly and thoroughly.
Mediation Practice: The Box of Forgiveness
1. Create a safe space. Bring to mind a place of safety. Your place of safety can be real or imaginary. See this place fully and inhabit it. Are you indoors or outdoors? Is it a large, open space or a cozy place? What does it smell like? What does the air feel like on your skin? What sounds do you hear? Music? A crackling fire? Birdsong? A babbling brook or a fountain? Ocean waves? The hushed whisper of grass swaying in a breeze? There is an inviting place to sit comfortably. Relax into this place. It is your place of safety.
2. Someone is calling for you. The one who is calling for you speaks in a voice filled with warmth, love, and delight. When you are ready, welcome this person into your safe place. Notice how the person’s presence increases your sense of safety and assurance. Who is your companion? Is it a loved one, a friend, or a spiritual figure? It is someone who is accepting, affirming, and utterly trustworthy.
3. Between you and your companion sits an open box. Look at the box. It is small and light enough for you to lift and hold. Notice its size, shape, and texture. What is unique about this box? Tell your companion the story of what you have done. Tell the truth about the harm you have caused in as much detail as you can. As you speak, see the guilt and shame pouring out of you like a stream. Watch the stream being poured into the open box. Speak until you have finished.
4. Ask for forgiveness. Tell your companion that you are sorry for what you have done and ask for forgiveness. Your companion smiles at you, knowing that you are whole and worthy of love no matter what you have done. Now gently close the box of forgiveness.
5. Take the box into your lap. You may want to sit with it in your lap for a few moments. When you are ready, hand the box to your trusted companion.
6. When you are ready, you may leave your place of safety. Know that your trusted companion will hold your box of forgiveness and welcomes you at the end of your Fourfold Path.
Stone Ritual: Setting Down the Stone
1. For this ritual you will need a heavy stone. You want to feel its weight as burdensome.
2. Walk with this stone some distance to a private place.
3. Admit to the stone what you have done.
4. Then tell the stone the anguish you have caused.
5. Then apologize to the stone and ask for forgiveness. You can imagine the person you have harmed in your mind’s eye, or ask God for forgiveness.
6. Decide what you can do to make amends to the person you harmed or how you can help others.
7. Then set the stone down in nature.
Journal Exercise
Meditations and visualizations can be healing, but it is also extremely helpful to write down what you have done as a preparation for apologizing and asking for forgiveness.
1. Admitting the wrong. What have you done? Use this place in your journal to tell the truth and list the facts of the harm you have caused.
2. Witnessing the anguish. Now look deeply at how your actions have harmed the other. Write sentences that begin “I am sorry for . . .” Write as many sentences as you can.
3. Asking for forgiveness. Write the following sentence and finish it: “I would understand if you are not able to forgive me now, but I hope you will be able to forgive me someday because . . .”
4. Renewing or releasing the relationship. You will be asking the person what you can do to make it right, but here you will list your own ideas for how you can renew the relationship. What could you do to repair what you have broken?
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As we continue in our book study, we encourage you to purchase Desmond and Mpho Tutu's The Book of Forgiving which is available as a hard copy, audiobook, and ebook. All of the above comes directly from the end of each chapter. If your finances are preventing you from purchasing the book, please reach out to Pastor Sarah.
Tutu, Mpho, and Tutu, Desmond. The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World. United States, HarperCollins, 2014.